Thursday, June 5, 2008

My feelings about the situation in which we find ourselves

Today's post will be a follow up of sorts to yesterdays post.

I received the phone call from the pediatrician explaining WHY the schedule had been bumped up, and it is much as had been feared.

She is leaving her practice.

Now that may not seem a big deal to most people out there but let me explain something. I HATE most pediatricians(I'll spare you the down and dirty details as to why for now). So for me to not only take Kenzie to one, but to also fully switch 100% over(from a family practice) is NOT like me. I have raved in the past about our pediatrician, and all of it still stands true. Sadly she is moving her practice to a city that is much too far to drive for 'routine care' visits, about an hour and a half one way, so I can't follow her. *sighs*

My feelings about this whole thing are rather mixed.

~ I feel rather like I 'broke' kenzie in the fact that she has had numerous 'issues' since birth, and has seen not 1 or 2 but this will be her 5th 'ologist'

She has seen:

* Urologist * Cardiologist * Opthamologist  * Audiologist

~ I 'know' that I did NOT 'break' her but try rationalizing that to my single parent brain in which I am the one who provides all her care, and food, and such. I have no one else to blame the 'issues' on.

~ I feel kind of cold and alone, as I cannot make her father aware of the issues that she has or it becomes an 'oh woe is me' festival, in which the world must revolve around him and how screwed up his life is because Kenzie is 'broken'(doesn't help with my issues).

~ I tend to bottle my feelings until the point at which they 'explode' and I end up spending hours on the phone to my BFF Tiff, bawling my eyes out over how 'horrid' of a parent I am.

~ If I try and discuss any of the 'issues' with my family, I continually hear 'Oh she's young she'll just grow out of it', or 'Well why aren't you doing ____ or ____?' or 'You MUST of done SOMETHING to cause this, after all YOU put her into speech therapy'

~Some days I just want to curl up in a burrow and hide from the world for fear of another 'issue' cropping up and forcing me to learn about another 'ology'.

~ I wish I could wave a magic wand make my baby all better, and not have to go through another medical procedure.

~ Having had MRI's myself, I know that they are not 'painful' I'm just worried about how I'll control a toddler whilst she is having her BRAIN scanned.

******* ******** ******** ********* *******

Having said all these things do let me say this one-

I KNOW ITS NOT MY FAULT!

Sadly this doesn't help all the time, and while I have been preparing for hearing the words spoken(Your daughter needs an MRI, and to see a Neurologist) I had not been prepared for them so soon. Something about my favorite person on the planet is leaving, and wants to tie up all the 'loose ends' before she does so.

All your kind words have meant a lot to me, and I hold them near and dear as they help to buoy my spirits as we enter this, new phase of our medical journey. Hopefully this time the doctor won't give me a hard time about being 'smarter than their resident'.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to research Neurologists and pick the best one for my daughter.

4 comments:

David said...

I KNOW ITS NOT MY FAULT!
It should be your Mantra! Positive warm encouraging thoughts needed at all times. Especially from you Mom!
Other than that, your good loyal readership will send out the best helpful vibes on the planet.
all will be good!

Anonymous said...

I think that most studies show that medical troubles, whether speech delay or something else, have a better chance of improvement the earlier they're treated, so you should be very glad that you're on top of things enough to know that something's wrong (and not just assume that she'll "grow out of it" and ignore it), and have her evaluated, treated, etc. as soon as possible. You sound like a wonderful mom, and you're definitely doing everything you can, and I'm sure that Kenzie knows that she's loved and well cared for, which is the most important thing. Good luck!

Barcardi said...

Kass, I can give no useful advice as I have been denied the chance of children, but its only natural to stress and worry particularly over your children.

I hope sharing it and letting it all out in words helps, I know I like to ramble and rant on paper.

And as David said there are people here for you, sending out the best of vibes.

And I am a huge believer in crying. Don't ever stop yourself! Crying is a release, once you've had a bloody good sob, then you can regroup and move forward, even if it does make your face blotchy and give you a headache :)

Tranny Head said...

Oh no about the pediatrician leaving the practice! When hubby first deployed we had to go on military health insurance that required us to get a new ped and I was SO UPSET. We got a different type of insurance that allowed us to keep going to the ped even though it would cost money. I know exactly how you feel.

And good for you for trying to stay positive! I mean - I think it's natural to have doubts. All good parents have doubts. If you aren't doubting, you're a crappy parent. But I'm SO glad to hear you saying you know it's not your fault.

Hang in there!