Saturday, May 31, 2008


This is a post I have been working on for a while so it may be a bit long, and verges on seriousness once in a while, so be warned. Oh, and some of the thoughts aren't really connected to each other.


As a young woman who got pregnant and choose NOT to have an abortion I am glad to see someone who can so skillfully present this topic. I was 16 when I met the father of my daughter and was at the time considered 'grown up' by a lot of the adults around me. I had been through a lot in my life and made a lot of choices that a 'normal' 16 year old isn't likely to do. My ex, lived with me for a while(and my parents) yet we still had plenty of chances to do things they still don't know about. I was so desperate for attention at the time that I didn't see him for what he really was a controlling, jealous jerk.

Shortly after we started dating I made the choice to start having sex with him because at the time I thought that was 'what you do', I mean LOOK at hollywood and how they portray relationships- girl meets boy, girl likes boy, they fall in 'love' and sleep together and live happily ever after. If only the Real world were that easy.

I had just graduated high school when I found out I was pregnant, I had to put off my freshman year of college because I knew that I wouldn't be able to handle it all at once. I had my daughter 6 and a half months after I turned 18, and she is now almost 2. I love her with all my heart and don't regret having her, but I do sometimes wonder what life would be like now if I had choosen to wait rather than 'jumping into life' before I was ready.


Now don't get me wrong I love my daughter and realize that I am very lucky to have her. Its just that I have been having a lot of those "What if," moments lately. I think this has largely been brought about by some recent news that I received from our pediatrician(more on that this week).


I have spent the last 3 years being a parent, teacher, role model, source of nourishment, and constant touchstone to the most amazing person I know. I look at her and I see so much potential but at the same time I wonder if everything I do is enough.

It has really been eye opening to me, to see how much a little person can absorb in a short amount of time. I see her growing and learning, and changing right before my eyes. I have been 'lucky' enough to spend the last 2 years at home nurturing her. I know that in the fall I will have to say goodbye to the relationship we currently have and say hello to the next phase in it. I am dreading the step, as much as I am relishing the 'grown up time' I will be getting. Though I know I will also be setting an example for her to follow, showing her it IS possible to accomplish your dreams even if plans deviate slightly, but man how I will miss our un-interupted mommy and baby time.


lysambre said...

{{{Hugs}}}, from what I've heard you're doing great, so don't doubt yourself.
I think it's completely natural in ones life to have those "What if" moments, as long as they don't prevent you to keep living your life. "What if" moments are there to remind you that you once had some dreams, after that it's your actions in the now that can still make those dreams come true even in different circumstances.
And I hope everything turns out great :).

David said...

I agree with lysambre. You are doing amazing. We all second guess our actions at some point. You have your head together and are on a great path.

Tranny Head said...

I ALSO think you're doing a great job. I think all good parents have self-doubt. If we didn't doubt ourselves, then we probably ARE doing something wrong.