Over the course of this weekend I have been slowly going through all of the items moved out of my old bedroom when Kenzie switched rooms. During the cleaning I stumbled across something that has really brought out some mixed emotions in me.
Now to the casual observer this may appear to be just another normal everyday shoe box, and rightly so. I couldn't recall WHY for the life of me I would keep a shoe box that was several years old, that is until I broke the seal(which should of been a clue that I didn't want to open it). Inside I found:
This is the 'memory keeper'. It holds all of the letters(well okay not ALL of them but lets not go there mmK?) the pictures, the good times, the bad, of my relationship with my ex(aka midgets father).
Now for me this box has dredged up all kinds of mixed emotions- love, hate, fear, pain, happiness, guilt, the list could stretch for days if I let it. I flipped through quickly not sure what all was in there, realizing that the ring wasn't(I do wonder WHERE that got to) present, nor was the best thing that I have from the relationship- the midget.
The box, has left me feeling a little bit raw, and a lot of bit exposed, as it was 5 years ago this August that this whole crazy ride began and I'm just not sure where I stand on the whole thing. It brings back things I'd rather not feel, memories I'd rather not keep.
Like this one that I found nestled into the box, now I may appear happy and smiling but if you note that my arm is in a sling. That was thanks to the ex, as just days after my graduation we got in the fight that brought about the real beginning of the end for me. The fight in which he threw me to the ground, and dislocated my shoulder. Granted, I wasn't totally blame free BUT I had choosen to walk away after I made my mistake, I had made the choice to NOT escalate any farther, he however did not.
I will keep the box, so that Midget, can know that at one point her father and I truly DID love each other. I just don't know what to do with the memory keeper until then. It's sitting nestled on my floor looking rather unimposing, and friendly, in its shoe box glory but I know the darkness that lurks inside. I must figure out a better place for the memory keeper to live than here.