So I was digging through some of my photo folders and found some pictures of snows gone by:
Kenzie's first snow (January '07, 10 months)
And the one that is SURE to win me mother of the year someday:
Her 2nd Snow (January '08 1 year 10 months)
Finally this last snow (Dec. '08 2 years 9 months)
What she was looking at out the window:
So today was Kenzie's MRI. *exhales giant sigh of relief* So glad THAT is over! I knew going into it that it was going to be hard, but I had no idea HOW hard it would be.
See we arrived early(which is fine) and of course I'd forgotten to charge the portable DVD player that I packed so we were stuck watching some random irritating crud on the waiting room TV(or she was while I talked to a wonderful lady from Alaska). Finally 10 minutes after we were supposed to arrive, they whisked us off to the back to prep her, and let me 'settle in' (ha!). We had a wonderful nurse's assistant who was just a joy, and a great nurse too(actually the same one who put her to sleep last time we were in!) so we were very very lucky.
The poor wee thing did something she has NEVER ever done at the hospital before she broke out in a full on scream fit. I felt horrible because normally the nurses RAVE about how well behaved and quiet she is. Thankfully once we were in our torture cell sedation room, she calmed down as there was a very engaging playground below our window. She had to wear the embarassing gown, that somehow actually covered her bum!
We hung out snapped some pictures on my cell phone than the Anesthesiologist came in to put her to sleep. Let me say she did a wonderful job though my nerves at the time might not of said so. We were escorted from our room to the prep area for the MRI, where she'd set up the mask and almost everything we'd need. Poor Kenzie, though was very dead set on NOT being there. She kept pointing at the nurses, waving and saying 'Bye bye', while clinging furiously to me. So one of the assistants had me sit down in an office chair while they shoved gently placed the mask onto her face. Kenzie promptly held her breath aside from muttering 'Bye bye' repeatedly. That is when the scariest thing I have ever heard come out of a nurse was said "Oh by the way mom, don't be freaked out when her eyes roll back in her head, and it drops back" a moment later I got to see what they meant as we laid her out on the table. *shudders*
It was at that point I was kicked out dismissed to go 'grab a bite to eat'. I went and grabbed a quick salad, and came back to the room where I sat writing(strangely my muse decided THEN would be a good time to show up) and waiting.
Not long after, they brought her back, still asleep and went off leaving her attached to the monitor while they went to knock out sedate another child. Of course as soon as they were part way through that her alarms had to start going off, drawing in an NA, who of course had to wake her up *le sigh* and send us on our way. Literally I think we were there maybe 10 minutes after she woke up till we left and were on the road. *shakes head* So now we just wait until the 22nd to get the results.
Oh, on another note L is having a BOY.
Since the weather was so nice yesterday and today we have had a lot of opportunity to be outside enjoying the sunshine. I have been snapping pictures left and right. Most of them have been blahish but I had 2 that just blew me away. So I thought I'd share them in all their UNEDITED glory.
Rose
Marigold
Now for some of the other pictures I snapped:
The tractor is just sitting there NOT running(it ran out of gas)
A series I've nicknamed "Run, run as fast as you can!"
You should NEVER EVER EVER walk away from a toddler who has a red marker and paper on which to color. She will invariably eat the marker and make it look like she is bleeding, thus freaking you out.
Today's post will be a follow up of sorts to yesterdays post.
I received the phone call from the pediatrician explaining WHY the schedule had been bumped up, and it is much as had been feared.
She is leaving her practice.
Now that may not seem a big deal to most people out there but let me explain something. I HATE most pediatricians(I'll spare you the down and dirty details as to why for now). So for me to not only take Kenzie to one, but to also fully switch 100% over(from a family practice) is NOT like me. I have raved in the past about our pediatrician, and all of it still stands true. Sadly she is moving her practice to a city that is much too far to drive for 'routine care' visits, about an hour and a half one way, so I can't follow her. *sighs*
My feelings about this whole thing are rather mixed.
~ I feel rather like I 'broke' kenzie in the fact that she has had numerous 'issues' since birth, and has seen not 1 or 2 but this will be her 5th 'ologist'
She has seen:
* Urologist * Cardiologist * Opthamologist * Audiologist
~ I 'know' that I did NOT 'break' her but try rationalizing that to my single parent brain in which I am the one who provides all her care, and food, and such. I have no one else to blame the 'issues' on.
~ I feel kind of cold and alone, as I cannot make her father aware of the issues that she has or it becomes an 'oh woe is me' festival, in which the world must revolve around him and how screwed up his life is because Kenzie is 'broken'(doesn't help with my issues).
~ I tend to bottle my feelings until the point at which they 'explode' and I end up spending hours on the phone to my BFF Tiff, bawling my eyes out over how 'horrid' of a parent I am.
~ If I try and discuss any of the 'issues' with my family, I continually hear 'Oh she's young she'll just grow out of it', or 'Well why aren't you doing ____ or ____?' or 'You MUST of done SOMETHING to cause this, after all YOU put her into speech therapy'
~Some days I just want to curl up in a burrow and hide from the world for fear of another 'issue' cropping up and forcing me to learn about another 'ology'.
~ I wish I could wave a magic wand make my baby all better, and not have to go through another medical procedure.
~ Having had MRI's myself, I know that they are not 'painful' I'm just worried about how I'll control a toddler whilst she is having her BRAIN scanned.
******* ******** ******** ********* *******
Having said all these things do let me say this one-
I KNOW ITS NOT MY FAULT!
Sadly this doesn't help all the time, and while I have been preparing for hearing the words spoken(Your daughter needs an MRI, and to see a Neurologist) I had not been prepared for them so soon. Something about my favorite person on the planet is leaving, and wants to tie up all the 'loose ends' before she does so.
All your kind words have meant a lot to me, and I hold them near and dear as they help to buoy my spirits as we enter this, new phase of our medical journey. Hopefully this time the doctor won't give me a hard time about being 'smarter than their resident'.
Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to research Neurologists and pick the best one for my daughter.
So the past week has been very long and trying for me, as a parent and as a person. Kenzie has been undergoing speech therapy since the middle of February having been diagnosed at the end of January, with a 'speech delay'.
We've gone in weekly for her appointments, been doing all the 'homework' that was required, and making some progress. Alas, that has not been enough apparently. We now have to go down sometime next month, and see a Neurologist, and have an MRI preformed at Children's Hospital.
I'll back up a minute and explain. See back in late March/early April Kenzie went into see our pediatrician, about some unrelated thing. While we were there, we discussed her speech therapy, and the physical therapy, and the newest thing we had noticed which was a 'slight' tremor to her muscles. The pediatrician was concerned but not overly so, suggesting that we watch it, and re-convene in July, to re-check, and discuss at that point possibly having a Neurology consult done. She also at that time expressed interest in having a Occupational Therapy assessment done when we got the chance.
Fast forward now to last week. Wednesday we were at speech therapy, and I asked the therapist about the OT referral we had received as here it was a full month and a half later, and it still hadn't happened. This conversation turned into discussion of the Neuro consult possibility before we left.
Skip to the next day around noon. My phone rings, and I glance at the display, and see that it is the pediatrician's office calling us. I pick up to the very lovely voice of our AWESOME nurse whom I love. She was calling to inform me that they were going ahead with the consult referral, and just wanted to give me a heads up so that when the Neurologist's office called me I wasn't totally shocked(You mean like I am right now?!).
Now skip to today. We arrived for ST, and PT, at our usual time, went and did our thing. While we were there I casually brought up my conversation with the Ped's nurse last week. I was curious if they had, had a 'discussion'* with the Pedi at some point the prior week, thus bringing about the phone call. They both answered in the negative that they had NOT had a discussion with the Ped; BUT they both felt very strongly that we should proceed with the consult as she is not making 'marked' progress and is still occasionally exhibiting signs of a slight tremor.
So as it stands right now, at our PT, ST, and Pediatrician's recommendation we are going in July at some point(date TBD) to see a neurologist, and have an MRI preformed. Looking for what? Nobody quite knows(this is the answer I continually get), so its basically a crap shoot as to wether or not we 'find' anything. I will keep you updated.
* Our Pediatrician and our speech therapist/physical therapist all share a building and a lunch room, all have freely admitted to having 'discussions' about Kenzie over lunch. Which honestly freaks me out a little, because seriously, don't y'all have something better to talk about like say the weather?
I may get FtF up later this weekend or I may end up taking the week off not sure at the moment. Until then I'd like to entertain you with pictures from the toddler's sojurn into the wading pool this morning.
First off it is supposed to be 90 ish degrees here over the weekend so I dragged out the wading pool, scrubbed it, plopped it on the deck and filled it. Here is the story in pictures!
10 am and its already 68 degrees
Toddler clambers into pool
I dip a toe into the water
(squeal because its FREEZING!)
Watch toddler splash around for a while:
Remove toddler from pool force her inside house:
My 'favorite' picture about her feelings
I love that my belly looks HUGE in this pic, I SWEAR there is NOTHING in there ;)
I'll upload a couple videos later when I get a chance.
Over the course of this weekend I have been slowly going through all of the items moved out of my old bedroom when Kenzie switched rooms. During the cleaning I stumbled across something that has really brought out some mixed emotions in me.
Now to the casual observer this may appear to be just another normal everyday shoe box, and rightly so. I couldn't recall WHY for the life of me I would keep a shoe box that was several years old, that is until I broke the seal(which should of been a clue that I didn't want to open it). Inside I found:
This is the 'memory keeper'. It holds all of the letters(well okay not ALL of them but lets not go there mmK?) the pictures, the good times, the bad, of my relationship with my ex(aka midgets father).
Now for me this box has dredged up all kinds of mixed emotions- love, hate, fear, pain, happiness, guilt, the list could stretch for days if I let it. I flipped through quickly not sure what all was in there, realizing that the ring wasn't(I do wonder WHERE that got to) present, nor was the best thing that I have from the relationship- the midget.
The box, has left me feeling a little bit raw, and a lot of bit exposed, as it was 5 years ago this August that this whole crazy ride began and I'm just not sure where I stand on the whole thing. It brings back things I'd rather not feel, memories I'd rather not keep.
Like this one that I found nestled into the box, now I may appear happy and smiling but if you note that my arm is in a sling. That was thanks to the ex, as just days after my graduation we got in the fight that brought about the real beginning of the end for me. The fight in which he threw me to the ground, and dislocated my shoulder. Granted, I wasn't totally blame free BUT I had choosen to walk away after I made my mistake, I had made the choice to NOT escalate any farther, he however did not.
I will keep the box, so that Midget, can know that at one point her father and I truly DID love each other. I just don't know what to do with the memory keeper until then. It's sitting nestled on my floor looking rather unimposing, and friendly, in its shoe box glory but I know the darkness that lurks inside. I must figure out a better place for the memory keeper to live than here.
Tonight I realize how big my little girl is really getting. She slept in her big girl bed all by herself!
